I always wanted to write about marriage since I got
married but something kept me away from it. Probably lack of experience. ‘Queen’ - the movie we saw the other day inspired me and the experience gathered over seven years encouraged me to write this blog.
Our generation (80’s and early 90’s ) is not as fast as
today’s generation. Present day kids do what they want and they have alrady have the brains to do so only in their teens. Money, less exposure, different kind of parenting kept us
away from doing a lot of things which is not a blocker for today's kids.
Marriage was always scary. Scary because we have to leave
the family and go with a stranger (Love marriages were a Sin!) but girls always
desired their freedom after marriage. A different kind of freedom! Ofcourse a lot of responsibilities, but that freedom of being
able to do what you like to do, wear what you want, be yourself; this gives a whole new energy of taking the responsibilities and being good at them. When husband is understanding and has no restrictions on you, then you automatically
become friends with your in-laws.
According to me, the success of a marriage depends on the
Man.(a feminist poing of view - ha-ha-ha) The key is to keep the wife happy and you have a happy marriage. If the woman
of house is unhappy, the whole house is unhappy. Give her the freedom she
desires, let her learn from her mistakes, trust her decisions…
The thought process is changing every 5 years. Arranged marriages
have a gap of at-least 4 to 6 years. In most marriages suffer because of this gap in the thought process and lack of understanding. Its very important to understand the thought process of your partner.
Lets see how much experience in marriage we gained over 7
years ;)
These are some quick points for boys and girls to head
towards a successful marriage what ever generation you were married and you are
in!
My Version:
Express what you feel:
Two people of completely different backgrounds suddenly
living together because one ceremony called marriage happened? Its not easy…when men are with friends, they just talk/comment. When it comes to wife they
don’t understand that certain things hurt. Just tell him immediately when you
are hurt. Tell him you don’t like when he says that! This is a easy solution to
solve this problem instead of keeping it in mind and carrying it to a big fight
later.
If you are bored, tell him to take you out:
Figure out an activity for yourself outside home. It may be
work or a work out. Make sure you are not stuck to the kitchen/house work. Exploring the world all by yourself gives you the confidence and a sense of achievement. There is lots to know and we have only one life. If
your interest is not to go to an office and work, join some classes, make
friends…create your own life. This is important because husbands are busy with
their own work and tend to ignore us. The more we depend on them the more disappoint we will be. When they know that we are not dependent on them for our entertainment,
then they tend to get insecure (wink wink), notice the changes. They will tend to spend time with us ;) [it’s a trick gals]
Tell him house is your work and not to micro manage:
If he tells you what to and how to work in the kitchen and
around the house - listen to him if it makes sense to you. (they don’t
understand a lot of things in the house and kitchen) if it doesn’t, be clear, that convenience is important for you. He
has big things at work to take care of, do not micromanage.
Comfort:
This is for boys to do for girls.
There are a lot of things she has done for you. She left her
family she lived with for last 25 years and now she is living with you, with
your family, to make your friends her friends, to be your Soul mate. All she
needs when she is with you is the comfort and confidence.
--One important way of comforting her among a lot of other
ways is to make her feel your love. This builds more confidence for her in
life. This can happen not just by saying ‘you know I love you’ or saying ‘I
love you’. Going a little out of your way to make her feel happy is not a sin!
She is your love! Fix a day in a month to spend time just with your wife…When
you get a call from work, just say you are in a meeting and will call back. We
girls are so easy I tell you…this will mean the world to us! Corporate hugs and
‘here is your Kiss’ kisses are a part of every day. But give the best of your
hug and Kiss every now and then.
--The other way of comfort is financial comfort. Its
important that the girl feel what ever is there is for both of you. If ever in
a conversation she says ‘I will ask my dad to buy that for me’……Dude, you are
in trouble very soon. Trust me, she is not comfortable in her mind financially.
--She had a few things in mind that she wanted to do after
marriage and is hopeful that her husband will support her. Just let her
experience what she wanted to.
**If you really don't like something or don't want to do anything, just make a big deal out of it.
I asked Raveen to put down on what/how guys think and
what they expect from a wife….lets see what he has to say:
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
‘m sure he is so happy with me that he has nothing to say ;)
(HAHAHAHA)
(Will update this when he is done saying it.)
We lately started agreeing on a lot of things together.
Amazing na! these are some points that we both of us agreed on..
Understanding each other:
There are certain things that really irritate how much ever you
understand your wife or a husband. Just don’t do those. Some times small
sacrifices/compromises help a lot. These irritants are only a small portion of
your living together. Just ignore them.
Never sleep angry:
We were introduced to this concept by my sister-in-law on
the first day of our marriage. When she told us we always wondered why? But we
slowly understood why?
- in the first year of marriage you fight so much that if you don’t resolve your fights the same day before you sleep, it gets hard to keep track ;).
- If you talk about it and bring a solution, then you don’t have to fight on the same topic again.
- You start understanding each other more when you talk about your problems and fights.
Feeling freedom: This is very important in a marriage for
both wife and a husband. Wife should feel free to do what she wants and discuss
the same with the husband. Husband should feel free to do something what he had
always wanted to do or do with his wife. Doing things together helps bond more.
One shouldn’t hesitate to take about anything to the other.
Book by my aunt: When my marriage was finalized with Raveen,
my aunt Patty gave us a book called His Needs- Her needs written by Willard F. Harley, Jr. It’s a great
book! Some chapters are not for Indian marriages but these can be skipped. It
was a great help for us to really understand his needs and her needs. Till this
moment this book was Patty aunti’s book. To write it here I just now read the
author’s name ;). It’s a must read before you get married and start staying
together.
Hobbies:
Pursue your hobbies separately. Its actually a lot of fun
and a lot of learning if you do your partners hobby. Its so much fun doing
together. Cook together…cycle together…play together…Try it out!
